Whether it’s a difficult relationship, or one that you just can’t figure
out.. our connection with our mum is so deep and primal and most of us want it to be the best it can be.
Most of us don’t openly acknowledge the impact this relationship can have on us; we don’t disrespect our mums by talking about it, yet many women want to improve the relationship but don’t know how.
Healing this relationship isn’t about blame or shame in any way, it’s simply to clear what’s not energetically aligned for you so that you can shift the way you feel.
Healing this relationship goes deep into what makes you who you are; drawing out the limiting beliefs that have been impressed on your mind during childhood; clearing negative generational patterns that can now stop with you; releasing parts of you that desperately needed mum’s love and approval but never received it; letting go of behaviours and habits that we subconsciously learnt and now need to be free from; freeing us from feelings of never feeling connected to her and not being worthy or good enough for her love.
Here’s what happens during the healing process. The relationship doesn’t change, mum doesn’t change, but the way you FEEL about the relationship changes.
And when you feel differently you suddenly realise that you’re not craving her love and attention, you’re not being triggered by her any more, you don’t need her approval any longer. All feelings of sadness, anger, frustration and resentment are gone.
And with that comes freedom. The freedom to just be you.
We all know how important it is to love ourselves, but how many of us find it easy to do that?
Here’s four tips to help you.
1. Keep good boundaries
Know what makes you feel good and what doesn’t feel good. You can even write a list of the things that are important for you. And remember this is all about you. Nobody else needs to see the list.
When you know what doesn’t feel good to you, you know that this is your boundary. For example, if you feel ignored when something exciting happens for you and your partner dismisses it – this is the boundary that can’t be crossed. Because it hurts when he/she does that.
The way you feel tells you what’s right and wrong for you.
Let your friends and family know what your boundaries are. If they cross your boundaries and ignore your needs there should be consequences that you will stick to.
Remember that relationships are two-way streets and it’s as valid for you to have your wants and needs met as it is for you to meet the other person’s wants and needs. Let your partner or friends or family know what the consequences will be.
Only you know what the consequence can be, it has to fit in with your values and views. It may be that you’ll stop mentioning things to your partner, or you’ll stop picking up all the kids’ toys, or you’ll spend more time with girlfriends, or you’ll consider whether a relationship is right for you.
Be clear about your intention. If someone continually crosses the boundary that you’ve set you must follow the consequence that you set. This is such an important step. If you can’t follow through, the boundary collapses in that moment.
If you start to falter remember – you are worthy of love and respect. That is all.
2. Do the things for you that you’d do for others
Treat yourself as you would someone you love. If you find it hard to do that consider doing some inner child work and find the place that you started to believe you weren’t worthy of self care.
It is absolutely necessary to look after yourself. You’re not being selfish by putting yourself first! You’re looking after you first, so that you have a full tank in order to give to others. You’re helping others way more when you come from a place of emotional fullness yourself.
Treat yourself always with kindness and gentleness. No harsh words. No ‘mean girl’ comments. No words to yourself that you wouldn’t say out loud or to another person.
Practice! It takes practice. Be mindful of your words and actions.
3. Find support
Anything is easier when you have a circle of trusted friends and allies. Draw your family members, kids, or closest girlfriends around and let them know that you’re putting boundaries in place, putting yourself first and creating a new you who loves herself! Or have one special friend who you know will be 100% behind you and ask her to support you. And if you can’t talk with friends or family maybe you could look at joining an online group to be with people who are going through exactly the same things as you are.
Being able to share what you are doing and have support close by is a great resource for you.
4. Have fun
Whatever you do and however you do it, always remember to have fun.
When you are in a space of fun, lightheartedness, joy and appreciation we lift our vibration. When you lift your vibration you attract similar energy to you.
What’s within us will shine out and attract people, event, situations and circumstances to you that match that vibration, so keep that joyful, gracious and happy state as often and for as long as you can.
And when we’re happy.. we’re happy! Make it a priority for you to find your happy, every day.